Joy Luck Club

The other day, I watched the Joy Luck Club again on cable tv, and I found myself unable to hold back my tears. When I first saw the movie in the cinema, I was a university student in Australia. I watched with a friend (girl), who sobbed uncontrollably throughout the entire movie. In fact, the cinema was virtually submerged in collective tears. But at the time, while I was touched by the movie, I did not shed a tear. I watched it as an academic exercise and interpreted the screenplay as a literature student might do.

Last Sunday, when I watched it again, it was as if I was watching it for the first time. Perhaps I am getting old. Or perhaps, now as a parent, the theme touches a raw nerve. The character's stories, although set in different times and different scenes, seem rather close to my own personal experiences. I think there is just a little bit of everyone in each of the characters; and all of us, being children of parents, and parents of children, can really relate to the stories. And the things that are said in the movie, are things which we would probably wouldn't say in real life, and yet, they are things that we wished we did.

Two particular scenes really struck me. There is one scene where Waverley and her mother are the salon, and both are talking to each other while facing the mirror. After her mother recounts her story, Waverley breaks into tears and says, "You don't know how much power you have" or something like that, and says basically that all her life she has been trying to please her. And then, the mother laughs proudly and says that that has made her very happy.

Another scene is when June and her mother are at the kitchen. And June laments on how she was never able to live up to her mother's expectations. Her mother retorts "no expectation, only hope." June then complains that her mother always makes comparisons and doesn't see her for who she is. The mother replies, "That bad crab, only you eat. Waverley take the best quality crab, while you take the worst quality crab・cbecause you have the best quality heart." She ends with the famous line : "I see you, I see you". By that time, I was swimming in my own tears.

When I was in school, I was an above average student. Once I got highest in class with a 90-something marks for an exam. My father simply asked why I did not get full marks. When I was in Australia doing my higher secondary (equivalent to JC), I got the highest mark for an English project - a tourist guide on Singapore. I showed it to my father when he came for visit. He identified all my typo errors and suggested alternative wordings. Till today, I continually have to second-guess his wishes, and wonder if I can live up to his expectations. Like Waverley with her mother, my parents have this power over me. Everything that they say, or don't say, can affect me. I wish I could say this to my parents' face, and hope for a reply from them like Waverley's mother. Then, it would be ok for me. Or if my mother would say "I see you" to me the way June's mother did, I would have lifted a heavy burden of my shoulders.

I have long suspected, and now know, that there is a higher motive to parents not saying these things to their children. Its like, once it comes out in the open, it loses its effect. Its as if, once the "cat is out", you don't have to strive for the best anymore. So, a parent who sees the virtue in keeping such intents close to her heart, holds a deep value. To see your child hurt, you feel the pain in return. But if it drives your child to do her best, then you would rather be the bad guy. That's the parents' sacrifice. That's the message in the movie.

Actually, my grandmother already expounded this value when she preached the Hokkien idiom: "Beh Bu Tia Gia Tia Diam Sim; Gia Tia Beh Bu Hai Chim Chim". Literally, it means, Parents should love their children in their heart; in return, the children will love their parents as deep as the ocean. My grandmother does not like the idea of modern parenthood where parents are encouraged to be overtly loving to their children. She believes that a parent needs to keep a distance and play the bad guy, and only keep his love in the heart. This is the way to push the child to do his best. At the end of the day, the child will realise it, and love her back in return even more.

I wonder if I could do the same for my daughters. I wonder if I have enough maturity to endure the pain and hurt - to alienate myself and risk losing "my place" in their hearts.

The thing is, although I know all these, and I know the sacrifices that my parents have made, and I am absolutely so thankful and respectful of what they have done for me, I remain distant and removed from them. I cannot communicate with them the way some kids do with their parents. This is the only flaw in the Joy Luck Club, or perhaps that is why Amy Tan chose to tell stories of Mothers and Daughters, because Fathers and Sons would have just remained silent throughout.

Ed