Draft Memoirs of an Occasional Living

Sigh..

2011-11-29T10:25:00.000+08:00

I have not blogged for a while. Perhaps I have been busy, or perhaps, more likely, I have simply been devoid of thoughts. After 38years living on earth, one learns to accept certain realities, and learns to work around, work with and live with. There is little desire to change what is deemed un-changeable. I am sad about this. I see myself no longer growing up but rather growing old. My life is revolving around the pursuit of money, and also resolves around my children….the latter would have been very much desirable, if not for the fact that it resolves not so much around them per se but around their school work, tuition and enrichment classes.

Life Lessons

2010-09-24T14:23:00.003+08:00

I met with a friend recently. It was an interesting and learning experience, which is ironic, because he had invited me to his office to learn from me something about handling legal and financial matters. David (not his real name) was retrenched from his job some years ago. He used his retrenchment benefits to become a minor shareholder/director in a logistics firm set up by his long-time friend. He encountered some legal issues along the way, and had sought me to give my personal advice.

When he briefed me of the situation that he was facing and showed me some of the documents, I was taken aback by the amateuristic manner in which the transaction, and indeed the company, was being run. For someone who has worked for most of my life in MNCs and GLCs, I am used to bureaucratic processes and corporate controls. So what I saw "brought me back to earth", because I also know that most small and medium enterprises lacked the resources and know-how to institutionalise even the most fundamental process for corporate governance, that in an MNC environment would constitute the minimum requirement to mitigate business risks. I started to suggest a number of solutions for him, but as I made my comments he responded with his own viewpoints. As an entrepreneur with a small business and limited resources, he had priorities and challenges that I could not imagine. Under such circumstances, administrative processes were the least of his concerns.

It became clearer as he spoke just who the teacher and who the student really was.

David revealed to me that in the immediate period after his retrenchment, he had gone into a number of business ventures, and he had many stories to tell about them. One particular story stuck in my mind. While having coffee with his friend in 2008, he commented that there was an increasing trend of properties going for en-bloc, and thus, there would be increased demand for house removal services. He toyed with the idea that his friend and him could go into that business. His friend was so convinced that on the next day he went and got some flyers printed and had distributed them to the nearby apartments. One week later, hDavid received a call from his friend. "We got about 10 orders for house removal services this week!" his friend exclaimed delightedly. David was stunned. He had only spoken what was on his mind, but did not expect that his friend would act on it so quickly. Renting a truck was the easy part. Where was he going to find the workers to fulfill the orders in such a short time?

David and his friend drove the truck to Little India. They stopped periodically along the roadside and asked anyone they saw who vaguely looked like they could be looking for work. "Twenty dollars? You want? Get in!" they would shout. After about 2 hours, they picked up enough workers and drove towards the apartments. The workers were given instructions to go to the apartment units to collect the boxes and load up on the truck. Then, after loading up, one of the workers asked nonchalantly, "so which box belongs to who?" David nearly fainted.

He told me this story (and others) to illustrate the many knocks that he had encountered since he entered the business world. These experiences taught him lessons that one could not learn elsewhere. And as I listened to the stories, I felt really humbled. Even though he was now earning less than before, he was gaining much more from his life now. And in years to come, if his business succeeds, then perhaps he could even offer me a job as his employee. Then, he can talk about institutionalising administrative processes and corporate governance. For now, for the kind of knocks that he is facing, I was of little value to him.

"Whatever"理想

2010-09-24T10:50:00.004+08:00

在我记忆中的童年和少年是在80年代过的。那个年代的我们，唱的是新謠，说的是理想。

那是一个很有理想主义的时代。

记得那个时候，人们都把2000年作为一个目标。很多人就在80年代买下第一台个人型电脑摆在家里，有些甚至不知道买来了要做什么。只知道随着科技的迅速发展，大家都认为，地球到了2000年将变成像科幻影片描述的世界一样，车子能在天空飞翔，人类可以随时搭太空船往别的星球探索，还有机器人将会变成每一个家户都少不了的工具在家里帮你做一些最基本的家务。

即使有些人认为那个时候美国和苏联的争议有可能引起第三次世界大战，大多数的人还是认为2000年的世界将会是一个更美好的世界。

理想归理想。

从1980年走到2000年的路途中，我们经历了不少挫折。在新加坡，虽然没有什么大灾祸，却有好几次经济危机的现象 - 有些孩子眼睁睁看见父亲或母亲被裁员，结果要把房子卖掉，突然之间，理想的现实一下子垮在眼前。

从1980年走到2000年的路途中，我们也走过一段90年代的醒悟道路。人们在那个年代第一次买下手提电话。科技仍然与日俱增，但是我们已经没有往日的天真了。大家都知道面临的2000年，并不是什么神奇时标。除了世纪虫之外，21世纪的到来也没有那么特别美妙或可怕了。

理想归理想。

John Lennon 唱过，”Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” 当你在忙着为自己的未来作计划的时候，人生就这样发生了。有时候一个人的成功与失败都要靠天时，人和，地理。尽管你怎样去计划，有时候就是设计不了每一个生命中的细节。

成长以后，学会了冷静，学会了塌实。理想归理想。跟着现实社会走，虽然可以往一个你要的方向走，但是始终有些事情不是你可以控制的。甚至，有些你原本想走的路，你会发觉原来根本不是好路。

现在到了2010年年尾。又是另外一个时代的开始。想法也会随着时光改变。现在比以前脚踏实地。因为当你发觉很多理想都没有实现，甚至没有机会能够实现，你就会领悟到，‘现实’和‘理想’打的战，‘现实’打胜的可能性较高。所以，我的人生观也就改变了。能够接受现实就是我现在的理想。不能控制的，就随它便。顺其自然。不用特意地去追求完美，也不要不择手段去夺取不属于你的，更不要为你所没有的和得不到的感到特别悲哀。最近年轻人有一个口头禅，我觉得还蛮适用的，就是：“whatever”。

杨智育
2010年9月24日

HNY 2010!!!

2010-01-01T00:54:00.000+08:00

Bring out the bubblies...its the New Year!

Well, I started the year with low expectations, and happily, I am ending the year on a high. I guess this has a lot to do with how the economy has recovered. This time last year, I was tempted to pour all my entire life savings into the stock market on the belief that everything would go up eventually. I resisted the temptation because at the time, I geniunely believed that the recession would drag on for a prolonged period. Nonetheless, I entered the market cautiously and made quite a bit of money. Could I have done more? Of course, with the benefit of hindsight, everything is always much clearer. But, on the whole, I have to congratulate myself for having the discipline and control to manage my finances in a prudent and reasonable manner. It could have easily gone the other way.

This was the year that we experienced our first school exam....my eldest daughter's school exams to be exact. When her first semester results were less than satisfactory, my wife embarked on a mission to put her through a series of intense enrichment and tutorial classes. At first, I was very skeptical. But, I must admit, she has been proven right (again). Money can buy many things, including intelligence and knowledge. These can indeed be taught, but at a price. As long as the parents are capable and willing, there is nothing that these expert tutors cannot do. So, my daughter managed to drag herself out of the hole and was promoted to one of the top three classes in her cohort.

This opened me up to a whole new world of after-school lessons. I did not realise until then that there existed this parallel dimension of society that leads a life revolving around tution classes. Parents driving their children from home or school to one tuition centre followed by another ...long into the evenings and night....long after the official school hours have ended. Its really another world, another sub-culture, where they even have their own lingo. When the parents meet one another at the corridors, they do not talk about anything else except what their children are doing in school and what extra enrichment programmes they are undergoing. They exchange information about the latest "flashcards", "models", "templates" etc...while the kids are huddled into one corner frantically gobbling down their takeaway meals in a hurry before the next tuition session starts.

Not that I am bragging, but, the fact is, it is an expensive thing to do - sending your kids to tuition. You would need a certain level of affluence to send them to the better ones (not to mention the best). So, the profile and demographics of the parents are not dissimilar - professionals, managers, executives etc. All leaders within their own fields. And yet, when it comes to matters of algebra, mathematical models, story compositions, and hanyu-pinyin, we are ranked right down the pecking order. In this parallel dimension, the tuition teachers rule the world. Regardless of how old she is, what credentials she has, if she says your child needs a book, a file, or even a pink coloured pencil with a round tip, then you have to go get it. No questions asked. That's the rule! ...even if it means having to buy it from the designated bookshop located at the front counter of the tuition centre. You are sure somewhere at the back of your mind that you have been ripped off, but you can't control it. You wonder if you could get the same thing at half the price somewhere else...you even wonder aloud if your child would ever put the thing to good use....but you find yourself involutarily reaching for your wallet anyway. Resistance, as it were, is futile............the tution teacher has spoken. Ours is not to question but to comply. Your child's semestral exam results are at stake over a pink coloured pencil with a round tip!
What CAN you do?

I have three children. So, I am more or less resigned to the fact that I will basically have to reside permanently in that parallel dimension. The only window where I can escape is during office hours. But even then, the sole purpose of working is to earn the money so I can sustain the lifestyle back there. What a bummer, huh?

What can I look forward in 2010? More tuition classes. More jostling for carpark places outside the tuition centres. More.....ok ok ....enough rambling of tuition classes already..

In contrast to this year, I am going to have high expectations for 2010. Coming out from one of the supposedly worst recession ever, the only way must be up. And, I am hoping (expecting) that it will be so "up" that we could almost fly. Then, we consolidate at the end, and wait for the next year.

Happy New Year!

Joshua RIP 19 Nov 09 - 19 Nov 09

2009-11-20T21:33:00.002+08:00

I believe that life begins upon conception. So, despite what is officially stipulated, Joshua had been alive for months. He was living with and among us in his Mommy's tummy.

In the short period that he lived, he brought much joy, love and hope for Christopher and Audrey, and indeed to the whole family. Therefore, even as we grief his death, we ought to remind ourselves of what he had given us in those short months when he did live.

It has been a life-changing for everyone involved. I can think of nothing sadder than a life being recalled even before he is borned.

If you believe in God, then you will also believe that God works Miracles in ways that we mere mortals could never understand. For only He knows what plans He has for young Joshua. Ours is not to seek to fully understand, nor to challenge, but rather to accept His Will and keep faith in He who knows best.

I choose to believe that he was borned; just not in the usual way that we are used to. He was borned an Angel. And he is smiling upon us...watching over Christopher and Audrey, and his sister Sarah.

May he watch over them, and give them the strength and hope to move on. For there are much brighter and much better days ahead yet.

In God we trust.

20 November 2009
2145hrs
Singapore

Beyond LKY

2009-04-23T15:32:00.002+08:00

I refer to the article and speech by Mr Ho Kwon Ping about Singapore beyond LKY.

That Singapore will survive LKY is to me without a doubt. The nation will not collapse overnight nor will it degenerate into a slum. Every Singaporean knows that we have accomplished so much in such a short time, and I suspect nobody will allow anything to be lost just for the demise of one man. It is the very survival instinct that enabled us to survive the de-merger from Malaysia, and I am sure it will be the same spirit which will be evoked to continue our survival beyond LKY.

It was interesting to read how Mr Ho Kwon Ping mentioned LKY, Mao Zedong, Fidel Castro and Deng Xiao Ping in the same breath. Apart from LKY, the others are widely regarded as dictators of their respective regimes. Whether there was a hint of cynicism in Mr Ho's message will only be known to the author, but one thing is for sure, the four share similar traits of powerful charisma and strong character in their exercise of political leadership. The outcome of each regime has been different, and I must say Singapore is exceptionally fortunate to have been ruled by a power-centric leader and yet still thrived as a nation without succumbing to a culture of corruption. We are fortunate because one of LKY's main political agenda was indeed to eradicate corruption in our society.

Indeed, corruption remains the single biggest threat to a nation's survival, and more so in small country like Singapore. If we were ever to allow corruption to creep back into our society, into our civil service, our political system or judicial institutions, or if corrupt leaders were to take control and manipulate the system, then the damage would be unimaginable, if not irreparable. All that has been built in our short history will be destroyed in an equally short time.

Beyond LKY, it is critical that we have an infrastructure to keep the nation on course and corruption-free, regardless of the charisma or personality traits of the political leadership. What is needed today are systems, structures, and legislation that ensures Singaporeans are not at the mercy of any possible all-powerful leader-turned-rogue ruler.

One of the legacies of LKY is the "Father knows best" mentality among the elites of the ruling party. In the early days, LKY had to fight off the communists and communalists who threatened to derail his vision for a better Singapore. In the process, he threw everything including the kitchen sink at his opponents to ensure that the 'PAP way' prevailed. He faced up to every criticism from the international media, and felt adequately vindicated through the economic successes that Singapore accomplished over the years. His was the pragmatic and no-nonsense way Singaporeans of his generation have grown to respect.

Some of the policies of the PAP government have an incidental effect of serving to preserve the status quo for the ruling party - the 'PAP way'. Well and fine when you have the LKY legacy firmly in place. But, there is no guarantee that the next LKY (someone similarly charismatic and strong on a cause) will have similar noble political values. What if someone was under the influence of a foreign hostile power? Or, what if the PAP becomes a target of power-grab by a group of unknown extremists? If you think about it, there are countless scenarios that you could conjure up - and they are not all unrealistic. Then look at the various options and avenues open to the government of the day: Internal Security Act, Public Order Act, GRC electoral system, just to name a few. When used objectively, these are legitimate tools to counter extremism, preserve social cohesiveness and ensure national security. If used instead to haul up political opponents to secure electoral victory, they are corrupt weapons against humanity. Without protection against abuse, they are enough to make one re-think the possibilities of a future beyond LKY.

Arguably the "Father knows best" mentality no longer holds any weight for the present generation of Singaporeans. The world has become a much more complex place, and the issues multi-faceted. The demographics have also changed. People are much more mobile, much more knowledgeable and well-informed. When the government tried to explain out the recession that we had to have, it did not get blind acceptance. More and more, people are questioning the fundamentals of its economic policies, the resultant impotence of our domestic private economy, and the loss-making investments made by Temasek. More and more, the educated populace today will not allow themselves to be confined to a singular solution.

Yet, we know that the virtually non-existent parliamentary opposition offers no fallback solutions. Furthermore, the grassroots infrastructure embedded in the community network makes it easier for someone with political ambitions (for better or for worse) to emerge from within the circle than for him to climb over from the other side. As a result, if there is any strong enough cause for fundamental political revolution, it is more likely to come from within the ruling party than from outside. And it is trite to say that the most dangerous revolutions are those driven from within. Therefore, any measure of self-preservation 'at all cost' by the ruling party, no matter how noble the intent today, is not necessarily wise for the future.

I am confident of the present leadership. I am also confident so far of the leadership renewal process. And I will be far more confident if we had a system in place so that we get this type of leadership every time at each turn of the renewal cycle - to keep it noble and corruption-free. To me, that includes the need to review some of our existing laws and regulations to guard against possible future abuses. We must not leave our future success to chance.

Public Order Bill

2009-03-25T22:35:00.002+08:00

I wrote an email to my MP today to give my feedback on the new Bill that was introduced into Parliament (first reading) just the other day. I do not wish to publicise the email in entirety, but I re-produce excerpts of it for reference:

"When I read the news in the papers, I went online to read the Bill. I am utterly shocked and disgusted that such an Bill has even been conceived. The Bill seeks to outlaw even free expressions by a single individual. As it is, Singapore is international joke #1 for having a law that outlaws "illegal assemby" by 5 persons. Now, even a single individual walking down the street could be hurled up in jail. I am wondering if this is somehow politically motivated to counter the tactics of a particular opposition party leader. If so, then please ask the Ministry to put our well-paid scholars to better use. If not, then, I will urge the government to explore other means to keep public order without resorting to seemingly unconstitutional measures. Take a leaf from US President Obama who reversed the policy on Gitmo-bay prisoners, rejecting what he called the "false choice between [people's] safety and our ideals".

Furthermore, the language of the Bill gives wide and ambiguous powers to the government to act, even pre-emptively before the supposed illegal event occurs. To me, this is outrageous, and akin to a police-state. It used to be said that Singapore was draconian when MM Lee was PM. Since the handover to SM Goh and now to PM Lee, we are supposed to be moving towards a more liberal society. If this Act is allowed passage, then Singapore will virtually degenerate into a state dictatorship. It would not just be a step backwards - its a entire quantum leap in the wrong direction!

Besides, taking the example from the supposed protests by a local group of opposition party members, when I watched the podcast of the event in the internet, I would say in my opinion that much of the "disorder" were result of the police's reaction rather than the attempted demonstration itself. By giving police even more discretionary powers, a simple act of public expression countered by harsh police action if not properly executed, can very easily escalate into full-blown violence.

There is already much discourse over the internet forums about this and the Films Act. The government may be able to avoid public protests & demonstrations in the streets, but I'm afraid Generation Y express themselves quite differently through other means. "

I received a reply from my MP on the same day, and she copied it to the relevant Minister. I appreciate the gesture.

Sentimental Freak

2008-09-24T23:08:00.004+08:00

Allow me to share a small part of my life story.

I left Singapore in my mid-teens to study in Australia. I spent in total about 7 years there. I took up a degree course which at the time had dubious recognition in Singapore, but carried on anyway, because my mental state then was "why bother, since I will not be living and working in Singapore at all".

When I returned to serve NS, I took a non-chalent approach. Refusing to train before the call-up, I allowed my fitness to degenerate, and ended up failing my first IPPT. I was enlisted into the PoP batch, where additional weeks were spent on pure physical training. Initially, I was unmoved. I went through the motion, and decided I would just "get by" NS without committing too much.

But, a series of events would change my outlook forever.

The first influential event was when I had a slight fever on the night when we were supposed to have Night PT. To those who know, Night PT was a killer. So, in a way, I was "glad" I came down with the fever. I happily lay on my bunk bed, congratulating myself, while I could hear the shouts of my comrades from the parade square echo around the walls of the camp. I was relishing the moment. Then, something happened. My section instructor walked in, and asked if I was ok. He took out a thermometer and checked my temperature. Seeing that my fever had not subsided, he gave me water, patted my shoulder and said, "Take a good rest." In that instant, his professionalism, sincerity and care struck me. And I felt so embarrassed.

The next incident happened weeks later (still in BMT), when a platoon commander from another platoon commented to me that he had found out that I was an overseas graduate. He suggested that I should work towards going to the OCS, as that the Army would need "someone like you as an Officer".

I felt that I could not let my Sergeant and the Officer down. Both were sincere and professional in their treatment towards me, and looked beyond my physical weakness and encouraged me on.

Eventually, I was posted to the OCS. When I was greeted by the OCS Instructor, I told him my fear. I said that I was weak fitness-wise, and only managed to pass the IPPT in the final weeks of BMT. I asked if I could survive OCS. He showed me his Silver IPPT badge, and told me that he was the only Officer in his cohort not to get a Gold. He, like me, had started from a low base. But, he persevered and was commissioned as an Officer. Fitness can be easily trained, he said, but it is the mental state that counts.

I will not lie. OCS was almost like Hell to me. I suffered a lot because of my poor fitness. Very often, I was the among the stragglers coming back from a route march, or struggling to pass the SoC tests, or needing the instructors to encourage me all the way to the end point of a long-distance run.

During transition from a junior cadet to a senior cadet, we had to do an early morning turn-out and fast-marched to one of the knolls at the Army training ground. Standing at the summit, one could see the industrial estates on one side and the army training area on the other. The OC greeted us when we arrived just before dawn, and made a speech that would change my life forever. It was probably a speech that was drafted by a propangandist, and a speech that has been repeated to many generations of cadets before me. Nonetheless, it touched me. Pointing first to the army training ground and then to the industrial area, he said "We are training here, so that we can defend what is over there."

Finally, I saw light. As the sun rose from among the Jurong hills, I suddenly realised what all these mean. It is about having a Home, and doing everything it takes to maintain it. It is a kind of emotional connection that defies even logic. Like how a newborn baby instinctively knows when her mother is carrying her. Our heartstrings are tied to Singapore, whether you are conscious of it or not. At that moment, I was conscious of it. The image of my caring segeant patting my shoulders, and the officers who kept faith in me and encouraged me despite the odds, flashed across my eyes. I could not let them down.

In the end, I made it. I was commissioned as an Officer. I don't think even my parents could believe it. Yes, I barely scraped through by OCS standards. And even today, I still have trouble with my IPPT. But, whenever I serve my reservist, I serve it with Pride. It is the mental state that counts, remember. I am proud to be Singaporean, and will defend the nation with my Life.

Sigh, Politics

2008-04-30T23:17:00.004+08:00

I know its not much fun knowing that there is probably just one other person besides myself who is reading this blog. Well, at least there is potentially one person besides myself, otherwise writing for self-reading would be akin to some sort of literary masturbation, which would be very perverse indeed.

...................

There cannot be any serious blogger out there in Singapore now who has not blogged about the Mas Selamat escape from the Whitley Road Detention Centre. Up till now, I have not....because, firstly, I am not a serious blogger, and secondly, I think I cannot add any more than what has already been said. The fact is, for commoners like me, we will never ever get the truth for a long long time.

Take the photos of the Detention Centre for example. These photos were released to the media by the Government. Has the media been invited to tour the site? No. So, given that the ISD is such a secretive unit, only a handful of people would have ever seen the interior of the Detention Centre, let alone the toilet and the backyard fence. Theoretically, it is not inconceivable that they were all made up like a movie set. But, how would we know? Who could verify? The Straits Times? The Straits Times is not a newspaper. It is more the Government's newsletter. It will probably just say what the Government releases to them. There is not one bit of creative investigative political journalism in Singapore. So, we can forget about getting the full picture officially. And, any other information that one gets from the unofficial media is just not credible enough for lack of verifiability.

In short, forget it. Mas Selamat saga may never be forgotten, but the PAP will always be forgiven. As long as the economy remains relatively strong, as long as there is no viable opposition in place, then life simply goes on. The man in street, the businessman, the hawker, the heartland population - these will always remain PAP's staunch "supporters"....in inverted commas because, they probably don't even know or care who the MP is, and come election time, you would probably have to drag them by force to just even attend a PAP rally at their doorstep, but they will still vote for PAP anyway.

I have distanced myself from the YP for many years already, even though I once held an appointment at a local branch. I realised that many YP members have their own hidden agendas that did not always coincide with those of the organisation. That's one thing. I also happen to think that the YP was created, not so much to engage the young as it is to contain them. It is as if to say, it is better to get those politically active ppl into the fold, than to let them loose and have them bat for the opposition. As Vivian B said, many of the branch appointment holders could have easily taken up much higher posts in opposition parties. So, why did they choose YP? In materialistic Singapore, everyone wants to bet on a winner. Deep down inside, many are devoid of their own values.

There was a time when I held much political ambitions. subversive ones even. Today, I still have strong political ideals, but no longer with the same vigour and belief. For one, I know that there are many ways to skin a cat, and there is never a perfect system. As long as it works today, it is ok to keep it that way. But, importantly the infrastructure must allow for flexibility and adaptation when the situation calls for it. I'm not so sure that Singapore today has that, since the PAP way has become so entrenched in our blood. So, as much as I think the government is doing a great job, I still sympathise with the opposition, because it would be for the worse if we allowed them to be completely killed off by our own success. Complacency will set in, and there would never be a way out if something happens. In a way, having an opposition is an insurance on our future. It may not be the best we can get, but at least, there is an alternative.

I continue to keep abreast of current political affairs, and I still contribute my opinions and feedback through letters to the media and in other ppl's blogs. I do not aspire to be "discovered". I have already attended one ministerial tea session before, so, its been there done that. I just want to do my part as a citizen - to give my own views and have my own voice. I do not need to align myself with any particular party (not at this time, anyway)...but I will exercise my right judiciously at the ballot box when the time comes.

Whatever it is, I am and always will be...a Singaporean.

Baby

2008-03-17T22:23:00.001+08:00

My three beautiful girls...

Christmas Thoughts 2007

2007-12-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

I started this year's Christmas season with a frown. Faced with the daunting task of conjuring up gift ideas and then having to go and buy them, I decided that Christmas was really getting out of hand. I mean, what is Christmas to me anyway? Culture-wise, this is an ang-moh festival - I am not an ang-moh. Religion-wise, this is a Christian celebration - I am not a Christian. So, why the hell am I getting into the act?

For one, my wife's family is Roman Catholic. By default, Christmas is celebrated. During the days of courtship, this meant going for midnight mass together. And, I must admit, it can be quite touching, if not romantic. Now, with children in tow, mass is more like a mess. So, we don't attend the midnight version, if any at all. Instead, we make it a point to at least go to the Christmas day mass, which is usually less crowded because three-quarters of the believers would have been still suffering from hangover from last nights' party, which incidentally started just after mid-night mass - "let's stop by at the church, since its on the way to the party; its too early anyway".

Apart from the religious observation of the birth of Christ, my wife's family has also some years back decided to observe the ang-moh Christmas culture of a Christmas dinner, followed by gift exchange at the foot of the Christmas tree. So, almost as a cliche, dinner has to be ang-moh as well - steak, ham or sausages, salad, roast chicken/turkey etc... Over dinner, I suddenly thought of the scene in the movie "Soong Sisters"where General Chiang Kai-Shek says "We are Chinese. We eat Chinese Food". Of course, cultural dominance comes with economic and political dominance. The West has won thus far, and the Zhongsan suit is replaced by the western (read "modern") business suits, even in China. With the rise of China, I wonder aloud: will I ever live to see the day when Caucasians celebrate Chinese New Year and sit around a steamboat for re-union dinner on the night before, eating boiled meat, liver and abalone with chopsticks, and actually think its high-class (atas) thing to do so. But, I digress.

The thing that makes me sick about celebrating Christmas is not only that it is someone else' festival, but the doing of something else other than what the festival actually calls for. The very concept of exchanging presents has absolutely nothing to do with the birth of Christ. If anybody needed presents on a day like this, it's the birthday boy! So, I can understand the religious rituals, I can understand the spirit of Christmas giving rise to making donations to charity in honour of Jesus etc... but, cracking our collective heads in thinking of what suitable presents to buy so-and-so is ridiculous. Its nothing more than a media hype. This is further aggravated by the fact that people "judge"their presents - how much does it cost? Did u put effort to find out what I want? Does what I receive match the value of what I give? Will I lose out if I bought too expensive a present, or will I lose face if I gave something too cheap? C'mon! Admit it! These are thoughts in your head!

My in-laws have been too kind to me over the years. They always buy what I consider to be too expensive gifts for me. So expensive that I rarely dare to use them. But, because of that, I am also under pressure to return in kind. I told myself last year that this vicious cycle must stop. So, last year, I bought them a book about parenting since they were expecting their first child. It was an inexpensive, but very useful and use-able present. On the other hand, I received an expensive present, as usual. I sensed that this was not within expectation, so this year, I felt obliged to give something more expensive. But then, this year, they gave me a book, which I didn't need. A novelty book about parenting. But I appreciate the gesture, because this meant we were even. Next year, I could go back to buying a practical and unassuming and inexpensive token gift, and I hope they will do the same for me...and then we will all collectively realise how silly this exercise is and call it a day. I asked my wife if I could withdraw myself from this game.
Of course, we should continue to give presents to children. At the very least, this is what we can do. But, even there, we are caught up by the media hype about fulfilling children's wishes for toys and candies during christmas instead of buying real things they need, like a good book. Movies made and stories written about how kids who do not get their christmas wishes fulfilled are pitiful and sad are probably sponsored by toy shops.

Anyway, as John Lennon sang, "so this Christmas, and what have we done?" I'd rather just take stock over this week about how my life has been over this year and then make my new year resolutions for the next. Other than that, Christmas remains a farce to me, and I'm just doing it for the sake of it. I would not have been a lesser man, and it would not have been a lesser life, had Christmas not happened.

Cheers.

Chapter 2

2007-12-21T04:50:00.000+08:00

It is important to know yourself. But it is very difficult to do so. A lot of people like to take self-analytical tests just so as to learn more about themselves. It's rather ironic isn't it? That you are yourself, and yet you don't know yourself; that you need someone or something else to tell you about yourself.

Actually, you can make self-analysis very simple. You do not need to take all those tests to complicate matters. You just need to know this: are you a HEART person or a MIND person?

Why is this important? You see, the Heart and the Mind are in constant struggle. In the extreme, the Heart feels without thinking, while the Mind thinks without feeling. Therefore, you can say that a perfect decision is made only when the Heart feels exactly as the Mind thinks.

I used this analogy in the case of someone looking for a life partner. The Mind thinks what he wants out of a woman. The Mind is influenced by his upbringing, the values that his parents teach him, the things that the school teacher imparts to him. Depending on these, the man may want to get a simple nice lady who can cook, for example. But the Heart is an animal. The Heart has not influence. The Heart is the "primitive" and "naked" self that is un-disturbed by all these extraneous influences.

The Heart controls his sexual organs. So, he is attracted to a hot young thing with a nice body. When the Heart and Mind talk to each other, they quarrel. The Mind says: this woman is too vain. She is bad news. High maintenance. She can't cook! She is nothing like your mother! The Heart says: she is perfect. She has a gorgeous body. She will be good in bed.
I can cook for her.

It is a lucky man who can find someone that both the Heart and Mind can say : she's the one! Such a man probably exists, but are too few. Most of us succumb to either the Heart or the Mind at a given time.

The thing is this: we need to know which is our dominant controller - the Heart or the Mind. Whatever it is, we need to know, so that we can control it, or at least, we can manage it, or at the very least, we can accept it. What you want to do is not to allow for a "false dominance"
to emerge. The Heart and Mind can take turns to be dominant, depending on the situation, the context etc. But, deep down, each person has only one dominant controller. Many people live a life full of regrets because they were not aware of the Heart-Mind struggle. They make a decision at the heat of the moment usually due to temporary dominance of the Heart, and suddenly get tossed off balance. When they sober up, the dominant Mind takes over and then they realise what a big mistake has been made, but is already too late to remedy. Or someone may succumb to his Mind's nagging, and then lives a life full of regret and emotional loss over the decision. I am sure you have heard of many examples of people who give up their "true love" on account of their faith, their race, their parents' objections etc.

So, it is important to recognise the Heart and the Mind, and know which one dominates for you. At the end of the day, what you get out of this is a guilt-free and regret-free life. You will not suffer through life wondering "what if" or "what could have been". You will know you exactly got what you exactly wanted.

If you recognise this, then you can proceed to Chapter 3.

Chapter 1

2007-11-28T21:54:00.000+08:00

The most important person in your life is yourself.

It has to be. You are borned alone and you die alone. The life that you live is yours alone, even if you should share it with others for a while.

This is the starting point. Get it into your mindset. When you acknowledge this, then everything else will fall into place. If you insist otherwise, then you will never see the light.

Self-Interest is not selfishness. Self-Interest is the realisation that everything in your life starts and ends with yourself. You are accountable alone to yourself alone. Whatever choices you make, whatever decision you take, it must be with your self-interest at its basis - either to maximise your "happiness" (or personal comfort) or to minimise your "grief" (or guilt). With this as the centre of your belief system, then you will naturally accept whatever that comes along.

Case Study : you fall in love with a man your parents hate. Do you choose to elope or do you choose to follow your parents' wishes? Either way, someone will get hurt, including yourself. A person who subscribes to Self Rationalism will not try to please her man, nor will she try to please her parents. She knows that she only needs to please herself. So, her decision will be based on which option maximises her happiness and minimises her grief/guilt. When she makes that decision with full consciousness, she should not succumb to any dissonance or guilt. The grief or hurt that her parents or the man feels, as the case may be, is a necessary, inevitable and incidental outcome that she (and everyone else) has to accept. Period.

Once you take this in, you can proceed to Chapter 2.

Ed

Life & Thereafter

2007-11-28T21:53:00.000+08:00

My colleague took urgent leave this morning. At first I thought it was due to the aftermath of watching too much late night football last night. But, it was not the case. His friend had just died the night before.

He was out for his regular badminton game with his usual group of friends, among whom was a 50-odd year old man. They partnered each other last night, and in the middle of the game, the guy just collapsed.

Despite efforts to revive him, he was pronounced dead. I was told that he was the sole breadwinner at home. The first thing that came to my mind was how sorry I was that a seemingly healthy person died so suddenly. The second thing that came to my mind was whether the man had insurance.

My wife and I spend quite a lot of money each month on insurance premium alone. We are both strong believers of insurance. In fact, I often joke openly that my children will be very rich when we die. To put it bluntly, they will really profit from our death!

Well, I think, why not. Many of my parents' generation weren't so much into insurance, but they were into investments. They bought properties over the course of the last 30-odd years, and I guess this is their insurance policy. For me, I do not have the discipline nor the interest to bet on uncertainty. I also do not have the cashflow. Besides, I do not mind living in a HDB flat. In fact, I loved it. And I intend to go back to living in a HDB flat in future. That's another story for another day.

Coming back to this insurance thingy. So, to cut a long story short - I do not have the luxury of being able to buy lots of property for my children. So, the most I can do is to buy some insurance, and have small investments here and there to pass to them in case there should anything happen to me. I do not believe that I need to support my children forever. I just to cover them until they are old enough to take care of themselves.

As for myself, I do not need to travel the world or some such cliche that the old folks like to dwell on. I would be happy just to be able to enjoy nature. And then, I would learn to do all those things that I never got the chance to do - gardening, calligraphy, artwork. Of course, these things need money, but I am happy to learn that they are quite affordable at community centers. Hence, HDB living is perfect for me.

The only unknown, of course, is the wifey. Maybe she thinks differently - maybe she wants to walk into the sunset on a red carpet, maybe she does want to hv a "glorious" golden years. She is entitled to want that. I guess this is something we have to work out somehow. Its management of expectations vs proactive retirement planning.

In the end, when you tear it all apart, we are all on our own. We were borned alone, and we will die alone. This life that we have is solely ours, even if it were shared briefly with others. Ultimately, we answer only to ourselves for the life that we have.

Joy Luck Club

2007-11-16T23:08:00.000+08:00

The other day, I watched the Joy Luck Club again on cable tv, and I found myself unable to hold back my tears. When I first saw the movie in the cinema, I was a university student in Australia. I watched with a friend (girl), who sobbed uncontrollably throughout the entire movie. In fact, the cinema was virtually submerged in collective tears. But at the time, while I was touched by the movie, I did not shed a tear. I watched it as an academic exercise and interpreted the screenplay as a literature student might do.

Last Sunday, when I watched it again, it was as if I was watching it for the first time. Perhaps I am getting old. Or perhaps, now as a parent, the theme touches a raw nerve. The character's stories, although set in different times and different scenes, seem rather close to my own personal experiences. I think there is just a little bit of everyone in each of the characters; and all of us, being children of parents, and parents of children, can really relate to the stories. And the things that are said in the movie, are things which we would probably wouldn't say in real life, and yet, they are things that we wished we did.

Two particular scenes really struck me. There is one scene where Waverley and her mother are the salon, and both are talking to each other while facing the mirror. After her mother recounts her story, Waverley breaks into tears and says, "You don't know how much power you have" or something like that, and says basically that all her life she has been trying to please her. And then, the mother laughs proudly and says that that has made her very happy.

Another scene is when June and her mother are at the kitchen. And June laments on how she was never able to live up to her mother's expectations. Her mother retorts "no expectation, only hope." June then complains that her mother always makes comparisons and doesn't see her for who she is. The mother replies, "That bad crab, only you eat. Waverley take the best quality crab, while you take the worst quality crab・cbecause you have the best quality heart." She ends with the famous line : "I see you, I see you". By that time, I was swimming in my own tears.

When I was in school, I was an above average student. Once I got highest in class with a 90-something marks for an exam. My father simply asked why I did not get full marks. When I was in Australia doing my higher secondary (equivalent to JC), I got the highest mark for an English project - a tourist guide on Singapore. I showed it to my father when he came for visit. He identified all my typo errors and suggested alternative wordings. Till today, I continually have to second-guess his wishes, and wonder if I can live up to his expectations. Like Waverley with her mother, my parents have this power over me. Everything that they say, or don't say, can affect me. I wish I could say this to my parents' face, and hope for a reply from them like Waverley's mother. Then, it would be ok for me. Or if my mother would say "I see you" to me the way June's mother did, I would have lifted a heavy burden of my shoulders.

I have long suspected, and now know, that there is a higher motive to parents not saying these things to their children. Its like, once it comes out in the open, it loses its effect. Its as if, once the "cat is out", you don't have to strive for the best anymore. So, a parent who sees the virtue in keeping such intents close to her heart, holds a deep value. To see your child hurt, you feel the pain in return. But if it drives your child to do her best, then you would rather be the bad guy. That's the parents' sacrifice. That's the message in the movie.

Actually, my grandmother already expounded this value when she preached the Hokkien idiom: "Beh Bu Tia Gia Tia Diam Sim; Gia Tia Beh Bu Hai Chim Chim". Literally, it means, Parents should love their children in their heart; in return, the children will love their parents as deep as the ocean. My grandmother does not like the idea of modern parenthood where parents are encouraged to be overtly loving to their children. She believes that a parent needs to keep a distance and play the bad guy, and only keep his love in the heart. This is the way to push the child to do his best. At the end of the day, the child will realise it, and love her back in return even more.

I wonder if I could do the same for my daughters. I wonder if I have enough maturity to endure the pain and hurt - to alienate myself and risk losing "my place" in their hearts.

The thing is, although I know all these, and I know the sacrifices that my parents have made, and I am absolutely so thankful and respectful of what they have done for me, I remain distant and removed from them. I cannot communicate with them the way some kids do with their parents. This is the only flaw in the Joy Luck Club, or perhaps that is why Amy Tan chose to tell stories of Mothers and Daughters, because Fathers and Sons would have just remained silent throughout.

Ed

Prologue: Blog Conception

2007-11-10T11:37:00.001+08:00

One is tempted to start a new blog with a first post that contains the typical welcome message, and an introduction to one's life and family. I guess it would have been a natural course of action, and readers would have expected that somehow. But, when you see someone give a title like this to his blog, you know you are not dealing with a normal person.

I thought about naming my first post "the final chapter" - a sort of play on the concept that an end necessarily signals a new start. But, then I thought, that would be just too corny.

I thought about just skipping an introductory post entirely, and diving straight into a political commentary on Myanmar and the UN's effort on climate change. Then, I thought, none of these would make much sense without putting things into context. The context being....Me.

So, a little bit about Me.

I live on a planet in space. In this space, or universe, there are many planets. And I live on just one of them. I don't know very much about the other planets. I just know that the one I am living in is affectionately called 'the Earth'.

I am an animal. I live in the wilderness of the natural world. My species have learnt to make and use natural objects as tools for survival - for hunting for food, and construction of dwellings. Over the years, we have evolved. These days, we have learnt to do things that others want to be done, substituting hunting and usage of tools with manual work or intellectual labour, so that we may get rewarded with some pieces of paper and metallic round objects collectively known as "Money" with which we may exchange for food and materials, and with which, with sufficient quantity, we may acquire an entitlement to dwell under shelter on a semi-permanent to permanent basis. Currently, I do not have sufficient quantity.

We live side by side with other animals in the food chain. Some, we eat. Others, well, we don't. Some, they eat us, if they wanted to. But, we don't taste very good. Generally, as animals, we have what is called a survival instinct. At times, in order to survive, we have had to kill. We kill other animals, and we also kill plants and trees. But, now that we have killed for so long and so much, we find that as a result we are also threatening our own survival, so we try to stop the killing. As animals, we have been creators as well as destroyers. With each creation, we destroy something. But the reverse is not necessarily true.

We come in different colours - white, brown, black, etc. I am light brown, but I get to become dark brown for a few weeks in a year when I get compelled to go to an island called Pulau Tekong for a few days each year. In our species, we subscribe to a system that honours the pecking order. We like to believe that the system allows us to choose the pecking order. In reality, the pecking order decides how they are chosen. Some are happy with the system because they are well fed, while others are simply fed-up. But, unhappy as they are, they cannot do much. The reason is that those appointed to the top of the pecking order are equiped with superior strength and powers which those of the lower order cannot overcome. Either that, or they find contentment in other areas and cannot be bothered with the order of the pecking order. Even David Attenborough cannot understand enough of all these to make a comprehensible documentary out of it. But a certain neuro-psychologist is working on it.

In a nutshell, the above sums up what will probably be recurring themes of my blog - in more or less words.

From time to time, you may catch me trying my hand at preaching my philosophy of Self Rationalism - a concept that takes inspiration from Ayn Rand's Objectivism, but is evidently much less complex, because I cannot understand Objectivism. (And, also because I lack the patience and persistance to finish reading the Fountain Head). Whether I will manage to put my sophiscated thoughts into comprehensible passages remains to be seen. I would be humbled if I succeed. On the other hand, I would not die any less happy if I failed. After all, preaching Self Rationalism may by itself be an oxy-moron.

Welcome to my blog.

Ed